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Monday, April 16, 2007

I think everyday is a struggle. I used to think it was me vs God, in that I would always have to make a choice between what I wanted to do and what God would think is right. But now I think it's just me vs me. Ultimately, I'm the one who's holding back, who's making the final decisions, but God is always there to work with me, to tell me the right things to do; it's really up to me if I choose to listen to His words and if I choose to take the right path.

Sometimes I feel that I can forget things if I just ignore them; but then thats just a temporary thing isn't it? they always come back anyway, and then I'm just faced with the same problems as before. but its scary at times to face up to the truth, and to have to deal with it, and although I know that running away won't solve anything, at times it just seems so much safer and easier. I'm scared God, help.
~me~ at 11:49 AM

Sunday, April 15, 2007

This week has been...well. :(? ok its not been that bad. And I really shouldn't complain.

Today was one of those days..when I suddenly realised how small & insignificant I am in this world..and how I'm gonna look back sometime in the future and find the thoughts I'm thinking now ridiculous. how the things I worry about now are actually so minute compared to the worries of the world, and the real problems that people elsewhere face. I'm so lucky, so why do I find myself complaining, and faulting things and events in my life? God has been gracious to me. Yet I feel I don't show my gratitude in ways that I should be.

God is really wonderful. And I love His gift of music:) One of the most amazing things in this world:) Sometimes I wish I could sing everything I want to say, like in a musical:)
~me~ at 10:33 PM

Monday, April 09, 2007

I like easter:) the general feeling of happiness, and the time for easter eggs, hot cross buns & a one week break:) i recall it didn't used to feel as special before I got baptised; I never really understood what it stood for..heh this year felt abit more special..didn't realise that I would miss meat that much. guess you never really cherish something till its taken away from you.

on a more exciting note, I can't wait for my sister to come here! though the timing's lousy - she'll be arriving 3 days before the start of exams. but still. :) I remember coming to sydney as a family when we were kids..but I remember practically nothing from that! all I recall of australia in general from my trips as a kid are strawberry farms, sprawling lawns with grazing cows, beaches with clear waters & the sun being ridiculously hot. its so different exploring a place when you're older, when there are things you look out for, things you appreciate so much more, things you want to do! heh & sharing those things with another person makes it all so much more enjoyable:)

but.......for now. I've gotta concentrate on anatomy. & physiology. & so much more :p don't know if it makes sense, but somehow realising that friends back in singapore, friends overseas, are seriously stressed out now with exams at the same time as me makes it feel not as bad; we're all in this together people! :p I wish I could just skip past the next month..so much to look forward to!
~me~ at 9:56 AM

Friday, April 06, 2007

I had another weird dream last night! but I won't go into detail. It just makes me think about what I am really pursuing in life.

I recall, when I was younger, I actually used to picture myself being a housewife, and my husband would be a farmer, and we'd lead a quiet life in the countryside, with animals & greenery & none of the big city complications. but then, I soon realised maybe that was just a dream-like interpretation of a plain but peaceful life.

Somehow, when I think of my future now, I just think work. which might not entirely be a bad thing, but its such a different view from what I thought as a kid. I know as kids, we might have many ambitions, often unattainable & simply a stretch of our imaginations, but there's a reason why we might wish to be pilots, teachers etc. there must be some attractive element of that kind of life that makes us wish for it?

I think if society did not pressure us to pursue more, perhaps I would have stopped at just living my simple life, in the company of family & friends. Not that I regret coming here to do med; I know I want to be a good doctor, but I also want to be a good wife, a good mother. I know some women manage to excel in both work & family, but I think leaving singapore has made me realise the importance of family, & I sometimes wish I could devote more of myself to that part of my life. politics & monetary & societal issues that exist in our world now just make life so much more complicated, & they've made the dreams we had as kids so much less practical.

For now, I trust that God has His plans for me, & that no matter how things turn out, they're for the best:) its good friday!
~me~ at 10:28 AM

Thursday, April 05, 2007

Whew. project submitted! yay. that's one thing over and done with:) at least we're all one step closer to the end now. I don't think I've ever felt this deep a desire to end my exams..not even during A levels..and I think it really it true; it's not possible to finish studying in medicine.

today was a 'drama' morning..as my sister put it..woke up to the sound of heavy rain against my window and a grey sky..then my classmate told me later that on her way to school that morning, she had had to abandon her car while it was hailing because of the rising floodwater level and toppled tree that was obstructing traffic. hah. ok I know I shouldn't find that funny but it just sounds like it came straight out of a movie.

anyway. for now, I'm just happy its easter break:) though its technically a study break, I'm glad for the chance to sleep in late, glad that there are no new classes for awhile, glad for a chance to catch up, and glad that its easter:)
~me~ at 3:10 AM